i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So many bounce houses so little time
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
