you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
