Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
