Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
