I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
