So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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