Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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