I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
