i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize