3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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