My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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