I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
