just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
