Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
