better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
