I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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