When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
