thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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