i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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