No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
