I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
