I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
