i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
