apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Green mimosas i think yes
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
