this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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