hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
