All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
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I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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