Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He passed out mid-signature
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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