Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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