I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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