giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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