tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
