fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
