just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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