Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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