Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
