smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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