So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
