woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
