I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
