Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
