Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
