So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
