It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
