I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
