just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
