I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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