I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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