Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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