i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
