Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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