I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
