I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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