This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
