dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
