I wish I could teleport
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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