I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
