I wish I could teleport
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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