What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Randomize
